RAYA IUBINESCU

Galati, Romania
March 2024








T is disappearing
He is in so much pain
His right ear gets blocked much often now and he needs to spray something inside it and lay down on a side for a while
The bones in his right arm are gnawed by cancer
He took treatment for it and for a few days the pain went away
Two days ago he rested on a side somehow and the pain came back
Since then the arm is hurting more and more
His shoulder blades are killing him
He can’t lie down on a flat surface because of excruciating pain in the bones
He needs many pillows underneath him, behind him, around him in the bed
The pillows covers have flower patterns, the wallpaper has lines and flowers
His hands are shaking but he is still using them to help himself lift his body from the bed or from a chair
Even though he has a fantastic walking stick, he is not using it in the house
It’s a very old and beautifully carved one
The other day he took some time to try to add some rubber at the tip, so it doesn’t slip on a slippery floor
He said he has enough patience for this kind of work so he will try to do it slowly, in his own rhythm
I told him “If you want, I could this for you” but he said
“I know you can do it because you come from a family of masters but I have to do it”
He brought a small bag of rubber buttons and poured them all on the table
This made him so tired so he went back in the bed and rested
After a few hours he came back at the table and tried to glue the rubber thing to the walking stick but the glue was too old and dry
He went to the kitchen to heat the glue at the fire, on the stove
He got tired, he went to sleep, then gave up
He never finished fixing the walking stick
His knees are hurting so much and has no strength
Going to the doctor for the x-ray was a big project
Vasile and his strong assistant carried him to the private ambulance, in a special chair,
They were so polite and reverent, and T liked them a lot
Now he trusts them and wants them to help again the next time we go to the doctor
Coming back home, he told me this hour that we spent on the way, at the doctor, and on the way back, was way too much for him,
Now he will rest for the whole day and only next week we plan the next doctor visit
But he cried a lil bit because he felt for them, having to do this hard work, carrying old people
He also gave them a bottle a homemade plum brandy that he made some time ago and now he can’t enjoy anymore
His right foot is numb since a long time already
Cancer, rheumatism and diabetes are not a great match together
He can’t sleep so much, almost at all in the night, but he feels very tired, exhausted, and tries to rest as much as possible
But he is only laying down with closed eyes, no real sleep
In the mornings he wakes up and has breakfast and this already makes him so so so tired so he needs to go back and sleep for a few more hours
But he can’t fall asleep
Because he is thinking of many thoughts
He said the thoughts come from different places and they gather together and don’t go away any more
He said I cannot understand for sure so he doesn’t share with me
He is very weak, but would like to be able to eat
He has no appetite for food but he still needs to eat
When he eats, everything is very very sweet, everything he eats tastes sweet, he can’t take it
When he eats, he can’t eat more than a few spoons of soup per meal,
or one boiled egg and bread,
or one small cup of yoghourt,
In the evenings he tries to eat almost a cup of warm milk with bread crumbs inside, but many times half of it remains for the next day
For lunch, he tries a lil bit of anything, one bite of something, one bite of something else, whatever we have here
The other day there were so many carrots in the fridge and a beetroot starting to mould
I made a cream soup with those carrots and a beetroot juice
I added ginger to both and a few more ingredients
T said I make fun of him if I think he would eat those things
He wants to eat meat, that’s food for him
Vegetables are a joke to him
But he loves growing vegetables and fruits
And knows all secrets about having a garden
He loves plants and flowers, the good weather, the sun and the rain
He knows when is the best time to grow anything, when it’s the time to harvest
Anyways the other day he said maybe we can try with some fish
So he asked me to buy one smoked mackerel and two salted Danube mackerel, which is a wild fish that migrates from the Black Sea to the Danube
I bought them but he ate so little, so little
His good old friend Ilie from the garden visited him a few days ago
He was here for ten minutes only
After greetings, they talked like this:
“How is the apricot tree going? Has the tree blossomed yet? When the petals start to flow down, then that’s for insects… Everything must be such a beauty over there, like a crown”
“The cherries began to bloom, the tulips came out as well, the hyacinths are also in the vine”
“It's not a luxury but it's nice that it's ours”
“The lily flower has started to grow leaves“
“O, how I miss it… “
“Well, don’t worry, you go and do the treatment and then you come back“
“The problem is that it's hard for me to get up, I have to support myself or lean on my hands… Did they finish the wine?”
“I pulled the wine from the yeast but I gave it to the wine tasters, I hope you will be able to drink a glass of wine too. May God bless you and give you health so we can have a barbecue together soon”
Then Ilie left
T’s sister calls him sometimes
Other times Felicia calls him, she is his partner since his wife died almost 20 years ago.
F is in a hospital now in another city
She went there by herself to have a surgery
She is the same age and she is very sick as well
Her husband died in the same way and around the same time as my grandmother, T’s wife
So they met at the right time, through a common friend
They are very good friends, supporting each other, helping each other in all ways.
At the beginning, after they met, T painted each wall of the house in another colour, he was so happy
Now they have a beautiful relationship, they keep distance physically as they don’t live in the same house and both are sick, they stopped visiting each other, but they are very close mentally
They have a deal: who is in the hospital calls first, so they don’t disturb each other at wrong times or when they have doctor visits
T is very happy with this deal
He thinks this gives them freedom and respect
And they keep a healthy relationship, without clinging
He told me about this when he was laying down in his bed the other day
The sun rays were touching him and the flowers on the wallpaper and the flowers on the pillow covers
He told me about my grandmother Rica as well, how they married at the countryside, partying for three days with a marching band and eating so much food
His father wanted him to have a grandiose wedding, as he was the oldest child,
He was so proud of his son, so he organised a huge party
Later, but in the same month with the wedding, in October 1957,
T made the small lamp that’s still working in the living room
That’s where I sleep every night when I am here, since I was a baby
We turn on this night light in the evening and turn it off in the morning
We also talked about the desks he did for my school when I was in the first grade
Everyone in my school knew my grandfather because he did those
He always loved to build things, to invent things, to play tennis and boxing,
To make wine, pickles, and jam - the best were the watermelon pickle and the quince jam
He was the first one teaching and supporting me in taking pictures since I was around 10
I was always taking pictures with an automatic film camera and he always took care of them
T told me about how he lived his life, so he doesn’t have regrets, he lived exactly how he wished,
He also thinks it’s good to be prepared so he organised everything for his funeral
He doesn’t want us to worry about all the technical things or his place at the cemetery
He did it all already, all the documents are in the cabinet, the drawer in the middle, underneath the big door
He said that his daughter, my mother, is a wonderful human being, but he thinks that sometimes she doesn’t want to collaborate with him, but deep inside he knows she is great
He said he never thought that my sister will have such a courage to give birth to a baby
So he is so so so impressed and so happy
And it’s still unbelievable for him that she did it
And she is so strong
So he is so proud of her
And the baby that she gave birth to is such a marvel, a miracle
He said it was so special when he made a connection with her, looking in her eyes, the baby looking back in his eyes, so special
Then he said
“That’s it with the interview, the talking is gone now, like the appetite for food, it’s not here anymore”
So we stopped talking
Today the doctor had to leave earlier so they called us and postponed our visit
So in two days we go again to the doctor to finally read the results of the x-rays
T got so upset and disappointed, he swore,
He said he has such a bad luck and that the doctor doesn’t care at all about him
He said his heart is black because of this
He misses the communist times when anyone could rely on any doctor and on anyone else, for anything,
Nowadays no one cares anymore, no one does his job anymore and people are even afraid to go outside in the night because of all the dangers
At least now his arm doesn’t hurt him anymore
He says he looks in the mirror and he feels like he is coming from Auschwitz and that he never dreamed of himself arriving in this state, and he wonders who cursed him,
He doesn’t recognise himself anymore, he is so skinny, so weak
The doctors don’t help him at all, the chemicals in all medicines are destroying everything in his body and give him the sweet taste so he can’t eat anymore
He said he prefers to die quicker than to struggle like this
He told me to go home, as he thinks there's no point for me to be here anymore